Getting back to the way things were is a process that sometimes one must take if one wants to move forward. I know that sounds crazy. Take a step back to move forward? But in reality it makes sense. Taking a step back to when things were actually, maybe not spectacular, but calming and kind of a happy place, makes sense because it allows me to move forward in a direction that will, with hopes, allow me to move forward with happiness.
Writing is something I have done for so long that I don’t even know exactly how long I’ve done this now. I remember writing poems. I remember creating my own lyrics to my own music. Granted it was all juvenile, but I was a little kid so yeah, juvenile worked back then. The poems were not so juvenile.
I have met a mix of people in the author publishing world (indie and e-book publishing houses). I met authors who would ask and I would help and sometimes they would just offer up helpful information to me too. Paige Tyler is one of those authors who seems genuine to me and I am thankful that I met her.
I have also met authors who used me, stole from me, and made me skeptical of any author being nice to me. There was this, “are they really being nice or are they gearing up to steal from me,” type thinking. As much as I hate to say it, some bad experiences can totally taint the good ones. Trust is something that has always been hard for me to give completely. I give a little until more is earned, but once it’s broken I don’t give it again.
The thing about trust is that one person’s (or several) betrayal does not mean the next person will do the same. So for me, the writer who now questions if the “oh they are so nice,” line of thinking is really truth, I have to learn how to give even an ounce of trust now.
While I am working on reestablishing my trust meter to something above negative numbers, I will get back to that place where I was once happy. I will get back to focusing on the stories I like to tell, the covers I like to create, the music I like to try to play, the garden I like to attempt to make spring to life, the kitchen where adventures used to await, the clothes I like to sew, and those crazy impromptu research sessions that I do for no reason other than being interested enough to do it. I plan to do this all while getting ready for the Interracial Authors Expo next year. May 2015 will be here before I know it so I better make sure I keep the destination in sight as not to lose track of the weeks that are ticking away one day at a time.
Changing the writer did not happen overnight and I am sure changing the writer back will 1. Never happen to restoration of the same as before, and 2. Will not be a slow process. But I think good, bad or indifferent, the only thing to do is to take one step back, which I think I’ve just done, before moving forward into what I hope will be exactly where I am meant to be.