Apprehensive ~ afraid that something bad or unpleasant is going to happen : feeling or showing fear or apprehension about the future
Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary
Why did I pick a word that most people probably already know the definition to? Well, some people might not, but more than that I’m dealing with my own stuff and sometimes it comes out in my blogging life.
Currently I’m at a crossroad—again. I’ve been here before and every time I get here something holds me back. That something is fear. I’m apprehensive and being apprehensive can be crippling.
At my current crossroad I just don’t know if I’m making the right decision, if this is really what I should do, or if I’m making a colossal mistake.
It’s so easy for other people to say what somebody else “should” do because at the end of the day whatever decision the person makes it is that person who has to live with it. If it’s a mistake then the person offering up their advice doesn’t have to take ownership of it. If it’s an award winning move, then the person can own the fact that they helped the other person make it.
At the end of the day each individual has to be accountable for their own actions, needs, wants and desires. One must make decisions based on what’s going to be best in their world because they have to live, sometimes alone, with the decisions they make.
When a person is apprehensive, being unsure and afraid of what outcome may present itself from the decision they make, it makes it difficult to make the decision, to commit to it, and to own it.
It kind of reminds me of the Nietzsche quote of “what does not destroy me makes me stronger.” I like that quote, but I don’t completely agree with it. Because I think every failure, every hardship, has a way of slowly eating away a person’s soul. If you die one death, or a thousand of them it doesn’t change the fact that you’ve lost the ability to live.
So right now I’m apprehensive. I have a major decision coming up in my life and those thousand little deaths make it really difficult for me not to be afraid that in making this decision I’m setting myself up to die another death.
Apprehensive—the sword that lodges in a person’s soul and twists a little more every day. I have 4 days to make a decision. 4 Days = 96 hours = 5,760 minutes = 345, 600 seconds. 4-Days, and the clock is ticking.