Friday Dish: I’m Not a Writer—Things I Thought I Said

I had to go to the courthouse to handle some business. The lady behind the desk asked me if I worked. I hesitated and then I managed to stumble out the words “I work at home.” Then I clarified it because that makes me sound like a domestic worker—a.k.a. homemaker, and I’m not really. Although I do the cooking and a lot of the cleaning so I guess I am in a way. Anyway, I clarified by saying that I work from home. In all of my attempts to attest to my working status I never said that I’m a writer. I mean technically I’m a human and writing is what I do, not who or what I am, but like most other people when announcing their profession I’m used to saying what I do in a sentence like, I’m a writer. I didn’t say it this time which really came out in my mind as my saying, “I’m not a writer.”

To make matters worse—or at least more comical, on the way into the courthouse I set off the alarm, that little beep that gets you pulled over and searched with the magic wand. I wasn’t wearing any jewelry or hair pins so of course I couldn’t figure out why I set off the alarm. I said, “I don’t have that much on.” I had on my wrap dress, a pair of pantyhose and my shoes. Of course there were my undies to consider, but those shouldn’t have done anything either.

By the time the guy finished using that magic wand he told me it was the buckle on my shoes. I said I should have worn the other shoes. I also took that time to tell my mom that I didn’t get it because I didn’t have that much on, and then I looked down and said, “Not that much under it either.”  I didn’t think anything of that sentence until I got home and realized that all those men were so nice to me on the way out because they most likely thought I was naked under my dress.

So there’s a group of men, security and a couple other uniformed personnel that I hadn’t really paid any attention to, and I get home and realize the words out of my mouth could have had so many meanings to somebody not inside my head. Meanings other than what I meant. I simply meant I wasn’t wearing a bra with underwire. I figured my mother would get it because when we used to fly she always set off the alarm because of that. I hate bras with underwire so I don’t have that many of them.

Anyway, I thought I said one thing, because that was what I was saying, but apparently I’m now probably going to be known as that lady who doesn’t wear any underwear. What I thought I said, and what they probably heard are not the same thing.

That’s all for this time. More Dish next week, same time, same place.



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